Confessions of a struggling writer
A writer struggling to write, that is....
I keep jotting down ideas for these newsletters, and I set reminders to start brainstorming, but every time a deadline rolls around I find myself resisting the need to sit down and write. I’m finding this true of my creative writing as well—it’s as if I face a physical barrier between me and the page.
I can write this note1 at the moment because it’s what I’m thinking and feeling right now. When I feel like my writing is sitting down and talking to a friend, it’s easy to pour out the words. In contrast, I just looked over two current ideas that I’ve been wanting to write about, and I thought, “Yes…but not now.”
There is so much about the writing process that is mental—at least that’s how it is for me. I marvel when I read about writers who have churned out multiple books, or who have all sorts of ideas for stories. I have never been a writer who has such a burning desire to write that I can’t stay away from getting to work on something. That only happens when I’m really into a work, like I was when I finally got into the third book of my trilogy.
And yet while I keep fighting to convince myself to sit down and write, I know that I do love writing. I love words and stories, and watching tales grow. I love the feeling of seeing unexpected pieces come together in a plot or with characters. I love the way my mental space starts to fill with scenes and situations so that no matter what mundane task I’m doing, I always have interesting things to think about. (Of course, this proves problematic if, for instance, I’m driving a of my common routes and mix it up with a different one because I was lost in another world.) I love to talk about what I’m writing with fellow writers, or hear back from readers who have resonated with something I put on the page. All of these things are what I love about writing. I also know from experience that when I write, I’m less stressed, no matter what creative writing or journaling I do.
So why do I avoid writing?
I’ve pondered this question for ages.
I know an aspect of it is my personality. While I’ve never been officially diagnosed, I definitely have elements of ADHD. Schedules are extremely helpful for me, but making my own and sticking to them is like…like trying to separate purple into red and blue. I also know that when I do get into something, whether writing, or cooking dinner, or some other art, I get lost in the zone and forget everything else around me. This is fine (for the most part) with cooking because a meal will be the end result, and my family appreciates having something to eat. Lost in writing, on the other hand, means all the other “things that must be done” aren’t happening. There is no meal, the laundry doesn’t wash and fold itself, and I forget I have a husband and kids who might need me for something. The list goes on. I suppose I am afraid of what will happen if I sit down and start to write, and so I don’t sit down at all.
There! I was going to give this half-an-hour but I’m creeping up on the forty-minute mark. If I don’t stop now, I won’t have time to get dinner made before my daughter heads off to youth group.2 This shows another reason why I often avoid starting to write: If I’m interrupted or have to stop before I’m done, how long will it take to get back into it?
Well, there you have it. The true confessions of a struggling writer—or more truthfully, the true confessions of a human being. I have desires, I have inclinations, I have limitations, and I definitely have faults. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my almost fifty-three years on earth, it’s that I’m still getting to know who I am, and where I can, or need to, grow and change. I know God made me in a particular way, and I also know I have to deal with the part of me who fights to reject him and his purpose for me.
Good thing he’s there for me no matter what. That’s better than I can say for myself!
And by “this note” I mean the handwritten draft I wrote a few hours ago.
This point forward was written after dinner was made and daughter headed off.
Art for the week
Last time I posted I completely forgot to include some art for the week! Our house continues to overflow with it. Evie’s been practicing watercolors—the medium frustrates her, so she keeps trying. This is impressive to me!
Keep your eyes open
In a couple weeks, Bandersnatch Books is launching a Kickstarter to fund a fabulous anthology of poetry for kids. I’m so excited about this! I have a number of Habit friends who have poems featured, and the art I’ve seen is gorgeous. You can be a part of bringing this book into the world! Presave the Kickstarter and come back to help make this anthology a reality by backing the project starting on February 18.
You can also check out this lovely read by Melissa Woodruff in which she tells the effect of reading Daughter of Arden in the months surrounding the birth of her own new daughter.
Check out Daughter of Arden at Bandersnatchbooks.com, along with other great titles.
You can find links to more of my writing at A Shaft of Sun Through the Rain and my old blog, Willing, Wanting, Waiting.
The struggle is real and I can relate. I think what's hard for me is finally writing something I like and then thinking, "well, I'll never do that again. Remember the good ol' days when I wrote something decent? Everything is downhill from here on out." Bit dramatic, isn't it, lol. But you're doing the thing that I think gets us out of the rut: telling the truth. Thanks so much for sharing your gift with us. It's inspiring.
I Relate To This. So. Much. LOL